family values conservative Republican from Indiana, Mark Souder, has admitted to having an affair with a woman on his staff. He would take this woman to remote locations inside state parks and have sex with her. See, this is what Republicans mean when they talk about opening up our public lands for drilling." –Jay Leno
There was a big state dinner at the White House last night in honor of Mexican President Felipe Calderón. The Mexican president pointed out that he and President Obama have a lot in common. He said they are both presidents of two beautiful countries, they're both left-handed, and they both preside over 40 million Mexican people." –Jay Leno
"The U.S. Navy announced this week they are now using sea lions to fight terrorism. They did a drill this week where they hid a bomb underwater. A trained sea lion found the bomb in less than a minute. The bad news? He then balanced the bomb on his nose, threw it back at the trainer." –Jay Leno
"In Supreme Court news, the Elena Kagan confirmation hearings will begin around June 28. I guess they have to wait until softball season's over." –Jay Leno
"And in Connecticut, Attorney General Dick Blumenthal's campaign is now saying there are only four times that Blumenthal said he served in Vietnam when he really didn't. That's what politics has come down to now, when your campaign slogan is, 'I only lied four times.'" –Jay Leno
Last night, at the big White House state dinner, Capricia Marshall, the U.S. chief of protocol, slipped on the White House steps right next to the Obamas. It was such a nasty spill that BP showed up and tried to put a top hat on her." –Jimmy Fallon
Well, that's the big story in Connecticut. Their attorney general, Richard Blumenthal, who was considered a shoo-in for his race for the U.S. Senate, is now under fire for claiming that he served in Vietnam when he really didn't. Turns out he has no war record at all. In fact, only combat experience? Shooting himself in the foot." –Jay Leno
"The Pulitzer Prize for fiction was handed out today, given to Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal for his Vietnam War memoir." –Jay Leno
Well, the truth is he got five deferments, like Dick Cheney. Then he used connections to get into a special reserve unit, like George Bush. And he would have been fine, if he hadn't lied like John Edwards." –Jay Leno
"Some good news today for Blumenthal. Because of all the trouble he's in for lying, he was offered a job as spokesman for British Petroleum." –Jay Leno
"I love this. On the news today, the CEO of British Petroleum says he believes the overall environmental impact of this oil spill will be very, very modest. Yeah. If you live in England!" –Jay Leno
"BP has inserted a siphon tube into the well to suck up all the oil from the spill. And they've had a lot of experience in this area, by the way. This is the same tube they've been using to suck the money out of our wallets for the past 50 years." –Jay Leno
"Thousands of bees swarmed the White House on Sunday morning. And President Obama doesn't miss a trick. He is smart. Because all these bees were worker bees, he's now counted them as 10,000 new jobs he's created." –Jay Leno
"And in welcoming Mexico's president, Felipe Calderon, to the White House today, President Obama told him, 'We are not defined by our borders.' The president of Mexico said, 'What borders?'" –Jay Leno
A congressman (Mark Souder) caught cheating, in his resignation speech, mentioned God five times and his wife one time. God will forgive him
"Scientists say they have developed a car that can run on water. The only catch is, the water has to come from the Gulf of Mexico." –Jay Leno
Sarah Palin and President Bush have new books coming out this fall. You know what that means? This could plunge America into a huge crayon shortage." –Jay Leno
And what they're going to do is they're going to suck all of that oil that's leaking into the gulf and pump it up into a tanker. Now the bad news is the tanker is the Exxon Valdez." –David Letterman
Arizona may lose its hockey team. Apparently, here's what happened. Authorities became suspicious that some of the players were Canadian." –David Letterman
"Well, at a rally in Arizona this weekend, Sarah Palin said, 'We're all Arizonans now' — at which point, every immigrant in Arizona was like, 'So, we can stay?'" – Jimmy Fallon
In Arizona, they passed a bill that beans can only be fried once
"We're still dropping things on it. This is like if your toilet over-flowed and you tried to fix it by smashing it with a brick. Their next idea is to get the old lady from Titanic and she's going to throw her jewelry at it." –Bill Maher, on the Gulf oil spill
The oil company said it was the rig company's fault. The rig company said it was Halliburton. And somehow, each time they passed the blame, Goldman Sachs made a hundred million dollars." –Bill Maher
Just in time for Christmas, the queen of 'Drill Baby Drill,' Sarah Palin, has a new book out. It was announced this week. It's called, America By Heart: Reflections on Family, Faith and Flag. And for Sarah, that's two books in two years, or as she calls it, her trilogy." –Bill Maher
"Phoenix, Ariz. is getting its first-ever Hispanic bishop. He will be appointed July 19, and then deported July 20." –Jay Leno
"NBC canceled 'Law & Order' after 20 seasons. It's too bad, but they had to make room for the new Jay Leno show, 'Jaw & Order.'" –Craig Ferguson
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