political humor

"The three big domestic automakers are now saying they are working jointly on a new hybrid car. It runs on a combination of state and federal bailout money." --Jay Leno

"The three C.E.O.s made a huge mistake today. You may have seen this -- they each flew to Washington in their own private jet to ask for $25 billion bailout. Even A.I.G. executives are going, 'What are you thinking?'" --Jay Leno

"They each took their own private jet that cost $20,000 round trip. And here's the sad part, today the Japanese announced they have a jet that costs half that and gets better mileage." --Jay Leno

"Sociologists believe that nine months after election day, there could be thousands of Obama babies born, 'cause a lot of people celebrated a big victory by having sex. But, you know, they act like this is new. This is not new. In fact, you know, John McCain was a Lincoln baby." --Jay Leno

"Once he becomes president, Barack Obama will not be allowed to use his Blackberry, or even his email anymore for, security reasons. Obama says, even if he can't email, he still wants to be the first president to have a laptop on his desk in the Oval Office. See, Bush thought he had a laptop. Turns out it was just an Etch-a-Sketch." --Jay Leno

"Because he's a kind of a techno guy, the press is calling Obama the first wired president. As opposed to President Bush, who was the first wiretap president." --Jay Leno

"Al-Qaeda released a new tape today, in which they used a racial slur directed at President-elect Barack Obama. Hey, al-Qaeda thought it was tough dealing with the U.S. military? Now they've got Al Sharpton coming after them, alright?" --Jay Leno

"The word is that Hillary Clinton does want the job as secretary of state. And as you know, the secretary of state serves at the pleasure of the president, to which Bill said, 'Yeah, that will be a first.'" --Jay Leno

Eliot Spitzer's call girl, remember her? She's being interviewed on '20/20' this Friday. And she told '20/20,' no matter how long the interview lasts, even if the interview's only 15 minutes, they still have to pay for the whole hour." --Jay Leno

"Pirates from Somalia hijacked a Saudi Arabian super tanker full of oil and are holding it for ransom. You know what you call someone who hijacks a ton of oil [and] holds it for ransom? Anybody know? Exxon Mobil." --Jay Leno

"Is it chilly outside today? I'm telling you, coming to work today, it was so cold, I was shaking like Sarah Palin taking a geography test." --David Letterman


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