"Please, I'll correct this for everybody. The correct pronunciation is Sota-Mayor. Unless you're a Republican, and then I believe it's pronounced 'Sodomizer.'" --Jon Stewart
"But you know, people get upset about everything. People are already screaming. They say: 'You know what that little date that the President and his wife went on in New York City, you know what that cost people? Twenty four thousand dollars. It lasted four hours and it cost $24,000.' And former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer said, 'That's about right.'" --David Letterman
"Dick Cheney said today, he supports gay marriage. I think he only supports gay marriage because he sees marriage as a form of torture, but anyway, he supports it." --Craig Ferguson
"But you know, people get upset about everything. People are already screaming. They say: 'You know what that little date that the President and his wife went on in New York City, you know what that cost people? Twenty four thousand dollars. It lasted four hours and it cost $24,000.' And former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer said, 'That's about right.'" --David Letterman
"Dick Cheney said today, he supports gay marriage. I think he only supports gay marriage because he sees marriage as a form of torture, but anyway, he supports it." --Craig Ferguson
Hey, tonight, former presidents George W. Bush and Bill Clinton held a debate in Toronto. I wish I had one more day." --Jay Leno
"Tonight was the last 'Tonight Show' hosted by Jay Leno. Out of respect to Jay, I'd like to do the first joke he told on May 25th, 1992, when he took over the 'Tonight Show. He said, 'This, of course, is the 'Tonight Show,' the one TV program Dan Quayle hates even more than 'Murphy Brown.' That joke is about as topical today as it was back when he told it." --Jimmy Fallon
"Tonight was the last 'Tonight Show' hosted by Jay Leno. Out of respect to Jay, I'd like to do the first joke he told on May 25th, 1992, when he took over the 'Tonight Show. He said, 'This, of course, is the 'Tonight Show,' the one TV program Dan Quayle hates even more than 'Murphy Brown.' That joke is about as topical today as it was back when he told it." --Jimmy Fallon
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