political humor Dec 11 - 18

Shocking news out of Illinois today. Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested
on corruption charges, including the allegation that he was selling Barack
Obama's vacant senate seat. Now, I personally am surprised Obama even needed
a seat. I thought he just levitated." --Stephen Colbert

"Rod Blagojevich is facing jail time, which will be a switch. In federal
prison, he'll be going to the highest bidder. See, it's totally different
now." --Jay Leno

"Well, President-elect Barack Obama and his family are gonna spend the
holidays in his home state of Hawaii. And you know who couldn't be more
thrilled with this? The press, the reporters who follow the president. Well,
think about it. After eight years of spending every holiday cutting brush in
Crawford, Texas, they get to go to Hawaii!" --Jay Leno

"And earlier today, President-elect Obama and Vice President-elect Biden met
with Al Gore in Chicago to discuss energy and climate change issues. Obama,
Gore and Biden. So, you have the greatest speaker of our lifetime, the most
boring speaker of our lifetime and the guy who speaks non-stop for our
entire lifetime. All together in one room." --Jay Leno

"Voters in Louisiana on Saturday kicked out of office Democratic Senator
William Jefferson. You remember this guy? Remember the guy who was indicted
last year for having $90,000 in bribe money, in cash, in his freezer? Well,
the voters kicked him out of office. How ironic is that? The only politician
in Washington who actually saved some money. Make him treasury secretary.
Put all our money in the freezer!" --Jay Leno

"But, you know, when the Big Three CEOs went to Washington, they said,
'We've got to have $25 billion.' Congress said, 'You know what? Wait right
here. Let me go to the back and talk to the manager.'" --David Letterman

"You can tell President Bush has been living in public housing a little too
long. Like, when a reporter asked him if he was looking forward to escrow he
said, 'You know, I don't like snails.'" --Jay Leno

"Oh, and Barack Obama, you know, he smokes cigarettes. But he's promising
not to smoke cigarettes in the White House, which I think is good. I think
that's really good, because we all know what happened to the last president
who used tobacco products in the oval office." --Jay Leno

Today, Congress sent the White House a $15 billion bailout of the big three
automakers. They're calling the loan an emergency bridge. I assume so the
CEOs have something to jump off." --Stephen Colbert

And, according to the New York Times, former president Bill Clinton says he
is open to the possibility of a role in the Barack Obama administration.
Well, actually, what he said was, he was looking for a desk job. I don't
know what that means." --Jay Leno

"President Bush and his lovely wife Laura have purchased a new home in
Dallas, Texas, worth $2 million.How does that work when the president
applies for a home loan? Like, when they do a credit check, do they include
the trillion-dollar deficit?" --Jay Leno

"Rod Blagojevich was arrested for trying to sell a seat in the Senate to the
highest bidder. Isn't that crazy? Yeah. And folks, if convicted, he could
wind up in prison, where his seat will be sold to the highest bidder."
--Conan O'Brien

"President-elect Barack Obama, today, called for Illinois Governor Rod
Blagojevich to resign. Blagojevich said, 'I'll do that if the price is
right.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of Governor Blagojevich. Today -- coincidence -- today is his
birthday. So for the second day in a row, Federal agents jumped out and
yelled, 'Surprise!'" --Conan O'Brien

"This week, the White House sent out a memo listing President Bush's
successes and accomplishments. Actually, it's not so much a memo as it is a
Post-it note." --Conan O'Brien

"A plan to bail out the Big Three automakers stalled in Congress today.
Yeah. As a result, Congress plans to buy a better-built Japanese bailout
plan." --Conan O'Brien

"How many people in our studio audience got your seats tonight because you
paid off Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich?" --Jay Leno

"Illinois Governor Rod Bla-son-of-a-bitch, is that how you say his name? Is
it Bla-son-of-a-bitch? I think I'm saying that right. He was arrested for
conspiring to sell the Senate seat vacated by Barack Obama. ... Let me tell
you something. You know, you don't buy a Senate seat in this country. You
take up donations. You go out. You lie to the American people. You make
promises you are never going to keep. That's how you get to be a United
States Senator." --Jay Leno

"And I love this story. Congress wants to appoint a government car czar to
oversee the auto companies. Today, President Bush said, 'Car czar? Isn't he
the president of Afghanistan?'" --Jay Leno

"Anyway, Congress wants to appoint someone to oversee the auto industry
because they lack confidence that the car companies can solve the problem
themselves. You know, the same way the Senate Budget Committee kept us
within a budget, remember? And the way the banking committee kept the banks
from failing. And the way the Senate Energy Committee made us energy
independent. We need these kinds of oversights." --Jay Leno

"Don't you love watching congressmen lecture auto executives on how to run
their business? I mean, you got people that put us a trillion dollars in
debt lecturing people who put us a billion dollars in debt." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama said that he will not smoke cigarettes while he's in the Oval
Office. He's kind of a closet smoker. So, he said he wouldn't smoke. And
President Bush actually defended him today. President Bush said he smokes a
cigar on rare occasions. He says it helps him think. Apparently it's a very
rare occasion." --Jay Leno

"And President Bush talked about his religious believes on ABC's 'Nightline'
the other night. When the host asked Bush if he was a literalist when it
came to the bible, Bush said, no, no, he's actually a Methodist." --Jay Leno

We're not kidding about this economy, which is so bad that Illinois Governor
Rod Blagojevich had to mark down the price of a Senate seat 40%." --David
Letterman

Actually, it's getting pretty serious. President-elect Barack
Obama<http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/Barack%20Obama>has
called for Blagojevich to resign, but he refused. He refused a
directive
from the next President of the United States, to which Hillary
Clinton<http://politicalhumor.about.com/od/hillaryclinton/tp/hillary-clinton-...>said,
'So?'" --Jay Leno

And I love this idea. Congress wants to promote a car czar to oversee the
auto industry. A car czar. What democracy has a czar?" --Jay Leno

"By the way, you know who is on the program tonight? Senator John McCain.
Now he shows up. By the way, he thinks the campaign is still going on."
--David Letterman

Hey, what are you folks getting for Christmas? Well, I tell you what,
Illinois is getting a new governor." --David Letterman

Yesterday President-elect Barack Obama called on Illinois Governor
Blagojevich to resign. And after hearing this, Blagojevich said, 'If he
wants to call and talk to me, it's $4.99 a minute.'" --Conan O'Brien

"According to an article about President Bush's fitness routine that just
came out, during his Presidency, Bush has spent 2,500 hours walking on a
treadmill. Yeah. Bush said he only wanted to be on the treadmill for 45
minutes but he couldn't figure out how to turn it off." --Conan O'Brien

But not everyone's revved up about the proposed ]auto industry bailout
deal). Louisiana Senator David Vitter argued that the bailout should only
come after the auto makers present a turnaround plan [on screen: Vitter
saying the current bailout plan is like 'putting the cart before the horse,'
or just 'ass backwards']. That's Louisiana Senator David Vitter, best known
for not resigning from the Senate after admitting involvement in a
prostitution scandal. So for him, the phrase ass backwards [is] not so much
common usage, as a work order." --Jon Stewart

Prosecutors said Tuesday there is no evidence that Barack Obama was involved
in the Blagojevich scandal. Or, as Fox News reported it, 'Is Barack Obama
involved in the Blagojevich scandal?'" --Amy Poehler

"Barack Obama this week named Nobel Prize-winning physicist Steve Chu as his
energy secretary, unless he was just sneezing." --Amy Poehler

"A Senate Republican said today they want Bill
Clinton<http://politicalhumor.about.com/od/funnypictures/ig/Funny-Clinton-Pic...>to
testify at Hillary
Clinton's<http://politicalhumor.about.com/od/hillaryclinton/tp/hillary-clinton-...>secretary
of state confirmation hearings. And if he does testify, this could
be the first time he could truthfully say under oath, 'I did not have sex
with that woman.'" --Jay Leno

"Governor Arnold
Schwarzenegger<http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/images/blpic-arnoldgovernator...>says
the budget crisis in California is only getting worse. He said it is
so
bad, we may have to start selling Senate seats here." --Jay Leno

"*Time* magazine reports that Governor
Blagojevich<http://politicalhumor.about.com/od/democrats/a/blago-jokes.htm>has
an approval rating 4%. That's with a margin of error of 5%. That means
he could actually disapprove of himself." --Jay Leno

"President Bush's term is winding down, and all these articles are coming
out, very strange articles about him. According to an article that just came
out in a fitness magazine ... the president often rides a stationary bike
on-board Air Force One. That's true. Advisors say he pedals really hard
because he thinks he's powering the plane." --Conan O'Brien

As you know, yesterday in Iraq, President Bush was attacked by a
'shoe-icide' bomber. President Bush was speaking at a news conference in
Iraq when a journalist threw two shoes at
him<http://politicalhumor.about.com/b/2008/12/15/bush-attacked-by-shoes.htm>[on
screen: the video of Bush having shoes thrown at him]. You see what
President Bush did? You see what he did to keep from being hit? Something
he's never done before. Lean to the left. He's never done that." --Jay Leno

"You got to admit, whatever you think of the guy, he's got good reflexes.
Even Bill Clinton<http://politicalhumor.about.com/od/funnypictures/ig/Funny-Clinton-Pic...>was
impressed. You know, Clinton's an expert at ducking shoes, ashtrays,
lamps. Everything." --Jay Leno

Right now, they're trying to find out, they arrested the guy, trying to find
out if he's a Shoe-ni or a Shoe-ite.

I don't think Bush really has dodged anything like that, well, since the
Vietnam War." --David Letterman

You know, the shoe-throwing incident has made Sarah Palin want to be
president even more. 'Free shoes? You betcha!'" --Craig Ferguson

"Anyway, the conspiracy theories have begun. Oliver Stone is already making
a movie about the shoe-throwing incident. He thinks there was a second
shoe-thrower, because that journalist threw two shoes in four seconds.
That's impossible." --Craig Ferguson

As you know, President
Bush<http://politicalhumor.about.com/od/georgewbush/tp/george-bush-jokes.htm>took
a surprise trip to Baghdad over the weekend and had a press conference
with the Iraqi premier. A reporter threw his shoes at
him<http://politicalhumor.about.com/b/2008/12/15/bush-attacked-by-shoes.htm>,
almost hit him. And the guy who threw the shoes, this guy was so angry, he
was so anti-Bush, at first people just assumed he was an American
journalist, but no." --Jay Leno

"And it's not just President Bush, today somebody threw a pair of
shoes at Sarah
Palin<http://politicalhumor.about.com/od/sarahpalin/tp/sarah-palin-jokes.htm>.
And she was very upset. She said, 'Do you have these in black?' and threw
them back." --Jay Leno

"And this is the big news in New York. Well, all over the world, really.
It's just an amazing story. A Wall Street tycoon named Bernard Madoff has
been arrested for running a $50 billion Ponzi scheme. $50 billion. You know
what a Ponzi scheme is? That's where they use the money of new investors to
pay off the older investors. Or as we call it, Social Security." --Jay Leno

"But you know something? Shouldn't the first clue have been the guy's name?
Madoff, you know, as in 'made off with the money,' you know?

And in New Jersey, the state Senate is working on a bill to legalize medical
marijuana. They say it's the one thing that could actually ease the pain of
having to live in New Jersey, so that's good." --Jay Leno

"And a big surprise on the Sunday morning news shows. Senator John
McCain<http://politicalhumor.about.com/od/johnmccain/tp/john-mccain-jokes.htm>said
he may not support Sarah Palin if she's around in 2012. Of course, the
bigger question, will McCain be around in 2012? That's probably the bigger
question, but hey." --Jay Leno