political humor

Yeah, he just this week signed a $787 billion stimulus bill, he proposed a $250 billion housing rescue package. He's been in office a month, and he's dropped a trillion dollars. Is that black enough for you?" --Bill Maher

"But what a task this guy has. He's got, on the one hand, to tell the people the truth. And on the other hand, try to lift our morale. Bill Clinton said today, you know, come on, lift morale, get out there and sell the hope thing, you know, that hope shit you've got. And both sides of the aisle are saying this. We have finally found something Democrats and Republicans agree that the president needs to do: lie." --Bill Maher

"And he does, because, I mean, some of our nations largest banks have been described this week as 'dead men walking.' The New York Times says they are insolvent, and here's the thing. Nobody will say the names of the banks, because you say the names, their stock will tank even worse. But here's a hint: one of them rhymes with 's**tty bank,' and the other rhymes with 'skank of America.'" --Bill Maher
 

These banks are hurting. I opened a new account, and the lady asked me for a toaster." --Bill Maher

"No, but it's hurting everyone all over. You heard about this, the Oscars are going to be a lot less gaudy this year. The Oscars, where I'm a presenter this year ... in the category I should have been nominated in. ... No, my money is on 'Slumdog Millionaire,' which is also what I call my broker" --Bill Maher

"The Oscars are kind of a special time in Hollywood. It's a time when celebrities take a break from worshipping Barack Obama and take some time to worship themselves."

Our Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is in China. While she was in China, she also managed to get a pirated copy of the movie 'The Watchmen,' which hasn't even come out yet.

Secretary of state Hillary Clinton was in Japan this week, where she had kind of an awkward moment. I guess she saw a couple of sumo wrestlers and said to the Japanese prime minister, 'Oh, you have interns here, too.'" --Jay Leno

"Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi met with the Pope this week. After the meeting, Pelosi asked for the Pope's blessing, and he agreed. But there was an embarrassing moment when the Pope asked her to close her eyes. Pelosi said, 'You know, I can't. They don't really close.' " --Jay Leno