"Hey, a little quiz for you. What is the difference between an AIG executive and a drunken Irishman? A drunken Irishman spends his own money." --Jay Leno
"In fact, President Obama's so upset that he changed his slogan from, 'Yes we can' to 'oh no you don't!'" --Jay Leno
"The Republicans are on board in this, too. Iowa Senator Charles Grassley told AIG executives -- this is what he actually said -- he said they should either quit or commit suicide. But I think that's plain wrong. I mean, why give them the option of quitting?" --Jay Leno
"I like Grassley's idea, but here's my question: where was Congress when everything was falling apart, you know? They're supposed to be looking out for us. Here's a better idea. How about AIG and Congress making a giant suicide pact?" --Jay Leno
Oh, I love this story. You know Bernard Madoff? Well, lawyers now say they plan to argue that his wife, Ruth, is entitled to keep as much as $69 million in assets. Yeah, please. Even AIG guys are going 'Shut up!'" --Jay Leno
"New research out of the University of Virginia says that our mental abilities begin to decline around the age of 27. In fact, by the age of 50, many of us are thinking at aPresident Bush level." --Jay Leno
"Oh, a little health scare for former Vice President Dick Cheney's wife, Lynne Cheney. She was hospitalized briefly after fainting at home. She's apparently okay. But here's kind of a funny thing that happened. The paramedics arrived, and out of habit they started giving C.P.R. to Dick." --David Letterman
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