political humor

Earlier today, President Obama filled three of the remaining top jobs at the Treasury Department. Their job will be to collect taxes from all the other cabinet members that haven't paid them yet." --Jay Leno

"Hey, you hear about this? Very strange incident at JFK Airport in New York City today. AnAIG executive going through security had to empty out all his pockets. You know what fell out? Senator Chris Dodd." --Jay Leno

The market rallied yesterday after the Treasury said it was going to help banks sell off their toxic assets. That's the big problem, banks can't sell toxic assets. Well, duh. I mean, I'm no economist, but maybe you should stop calling them toxic assets. Huh? Isn't that like KFC advertising salmonella chicken?" --Jay Leno

"The country of China is going to be doing a Broadway style play based on Karl Marx's book on communism. A play based on communism. Or as we call in this country, 'a stimulus package.'"--Jay Leno

Hey, congratulations to Japan for winning the World Baseball Classic right here in Dodger Stadium. Yeah, they beat Korea 5-3, which is perfect. You have the Japanese playing the Koreans in a city full of Mexicans to determine who's best at America's pastime. I think Lou Dobbs' head is going to explode when he hears this." --Jay Leno

"Earlier tonight, President Obama held his second prime time press conference. He spent the first half defending the economy, and the second half defending the decision to interrupt 'American Idol.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Obama answered questions about how the economy's progressing. And in a nutshell, it's not." --Jimmy Fallon

"Voters in Iowa are already receiving phone calls about whether or not they approve of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin. They're instructed to press one for 'yes' and two for 'you betcha!'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Mexico's government just offered a $2 million bounty on its top drug lords, which is different from what we do here in America. We give our biggest criminals bonuses." --Jimmy Fallon

"AIG changing their name is like Hitler changing his name and hoping people won't notice." --Craig Ferguson

"Tonight, as far as I know, we have not been pre-empted by the president. He held a news conference tonight on all the channels in primetime to talk about the economy. Apparently, he's unaware that we're trying to pick an 'American Idol.' But I guess his goal is to calm the markets as people are losing jobs and stocks are unstable, banks are in trouble. All reasons why I'm putting all my assets right now in the Octo-mom's womb. I'm projecting I can possibly octuple my investment over the next five months." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Obama also repeated his support for Treasury Secretary Geithner, who unveiled his plan yesterday for the government to buy up the so-called toxic assets from troubled banks and sell them to China, which will then make them into children's toys, and should solve the problem entirely." --Jimmy Kimmel