"You know, we own AIG, right? We own 80% of it. And because of all of the outrage over these bonuses, armed guards now have to be placed outside the AIG offices. You know what that means? Not only are we paying the AIG executive bonuses, we are now paying to protect the executives from us. Does that make any sense to anybody?" --Jay Leno
"Now they're talking about selling their office building in Manhattan to raise money. Oh, yeah, this is a great time to get involved in real estate. They'd lose another billion dollars. You know, I have a better idea. Put all the employees inside, put bars on the window, call it a jail and just lock the place up." --Jay Leno
"Today is the first day of spring. Yeah, or, as Al Gore calls it, global warming." --Jay Leno
"President Obama is very busy these days. He was just invited to his 30-year high school reunion in Hawaii. I heard they tracked him down on Facebook. They find you everywhere." --Jimmy Fallon
"This morning, the first lady, Michelle Obama, celebrated spring by breaking ground on a new vegetable garden at the White House. She said she did it to help educate children about healthy, locally-grown food, and to help her own family survive the coming economic apocalypse." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Not only is it the first time they have had a vegetable garden since the days of Eleanor Roosevelt at the White House, it's also the first time that a hoe has been used at the White House since the Clinton administration." --Jimmy Kimmel
"America is pissed at the notorious AIG. Right? Somehow, these guys are the most hated people in America. They're getting death threats. I saw one AIG guy today, he was hiding behind the Octomom." --Bill Maher
"This morning, the first lady, Michelle Obama, celebrated spring by breaking ground on a new vegetable garden at the White House. She said she did it to help educate children about healthy, locally-grown food, and to help her own family survive the coming economic apocalypse." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Not only is it the first time they have had a vegetable garden since the days of Eleanor Roosevelt at the White House, it's also the first time that a hoe has been used at the White House since the Clinton administration." --Jimmy Kimmel
"America is pissed at the notorious AIG. Right? Somehow, these guys are the most hated people in America. They're getting death threats. I saw one AIG guy today, he was hiding behind the Octomom." --Bill Maher
"We spilled 25,000 barrels of oil into the Strait of Hormuz, by Iraq. And a U.S. Navy server ship collided with a submarine. Who else, but us, could invade the Middle East and lose oil? It's like robbing a bank and leaving your wallet." --Bill Maher
"There's a new bin Laden tape where he calls for the destruction of Somalia. That's right. Forget destroying America, that job is done." --Bill Maher
"You saw what happened in San Diego yesterday? There were these two drug dealers the cops were chasing on the freeway, and they started to throw all the money out the window. The cops were not suspicious -- they thought it was Obama's motorcade." --Bill Maher
"There's a new bin Laden tape where he calls for the destruction of Somalia. That's right. Forget destroying America, that job is done." --Bill Maher
"You saw what happened in San Diego yesterday? There were these two drug dealers the cops were chasing on the freeway, and they started to throw all the money out the window. The cops were not suspicious -- they thought it was Obama's motorcade." --Bill Maher
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