political humor

And she was at the General Assembly, Sarah Palin was, and somebody said, 'Look, over there, that's the president of Georgia.' And she said, 'Wow, Jimmy Carter?' And then she said, 'Boy, I hope I get to meet Queen Latifa.'" --David Letterman

"Do you even understand this Bush economic plan? Do you understand how it works? See, here's how it works. When you screw up, you pay. When they screw up, you pay! Yeah, actually very simple." --Jay Leno

"Some financial analysts are saying we're bailing out institutions with money we don't have, which makes the dollar even more worthless. In fact, today, God said, 'Could you take my name off the bill?" --Jay Leno

"And yesterday, the Iranian president, Mahmoud I'm-a-nut-job ... was at the U.N. And he blamed the United States for the collapse of the global markets. The Iranian president blamed the United States for the collapse of global markets. Well, that just goes to show you, in a crisis, you really find out who your friends are, huh? Yeah, I guess we can write that guy off." --Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin was in New York City this week. She met with some world leaders yesterday and went to the Central Park Zoo, yeah. Took her five hours to get through the zoo, 'cause she had to keep stopping to reload." --Jay Leno

"And all this week, the McCain campaign is trying to prevent Sarah Palin from talking to reporters covering the news, you know? They said, 'you can take her picture, but you can't ask her any questions.' What is she running for, vice president or 'America's Next Top Model'?" --Jay Leno

You can't suspend the democratic process because we're facing problems. At what point do you think, maybe we should suspend the election? We'll have the elections later. Some people have done that before: Castro did it, Napoleon did it, Julius Caesar did it. You can't do that. If you like it or not, the campaign is part of the democratic process ...You wanna take your time off, that's fine, but you don't say we're suspending the campaign. You can't say that. It's the democratic process. We didn't suspend it for 9/11, we didn't suspend it for Pearl Harbor, we didn't suspend it for the Nazis, we didn't suspend it for the damn British. We don't do that in America!" --Craig Ferguson

But you have to understand something. When you have 11 houses, you take a housing crisis very, very seriously. I believe him when he says this is a sincere effort, but some think it's a publicity stunt, because he announced it while hanging upside down from a crane in Central Park today." --Jimmy Kimmel



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