Thursday, 30 April 2009
Political Humor
They said today you cannot get swine flu from eating pork, which, of course, raises the question, so what were these guys doing with the pig?" --Jay Leno
"Senator Arlen Specter has a new reality show ? 'I'm a Republican Get Me Out of Here!'" --Jay Leno
"Senator Arlen Specter has a new reality show ? 'I'm a Republican Get Me Out of Here!'" --Jay Leno
"The economy is so bad that today, the White House flew a Southwest plane over the Statue of Liberty." --Jay Leno
How about that swine flu? The government is saying forget about nonessential air travel, an example of which would be flying Air Force One really low over New York City." --David Letterman
"See all those people on the news walking around wearing those surgical masks, huh? For the swine flu. Suddenly Michael Jackson is not so crazy, huh? Yeah! I think we owe Michael an apology." --Jay Leno
"Remember the good old days when we thought the only bad pork was in the Federal budget?" --Jay Leno
"Remember the good old days when we thought the only bad pork was in the Federal budget?" --Jay Leno
"They say this outbreak of swine flu got its start in Mexico and then came up here. You know what Wal-Mart calls something that got its start in Mexico and came up here? Employees." --Jay Leno
They say this swine flu is pretty rough, if you happen to get it. In fact, on the news today, I heard a commentator say, 'You wouldn't wish this on your worst enemy.' People always say that about something that's really bad. But are you all hoping that Osama bin Laden orBernard Madoff doesn't get this?" --Jay Leno
"Well, another pilot has been taken off a plane for being drunk. This time it was an Air Canada pilot who was about to fly from London to Calgary. They took him off the plane before he could do something really stupid, you know, like fly low over Manhattan." --Jay Leno
"Well, another pilot has been taken off a plane for being drunk. This time it was an Air Canada pilot who was about to fly from London to Calgary. They took him off the plane before he could do something really stupid, you know, like fly low over Manhattan." --Jay Leno
"And I love this. At the Summit of the Americas, the leaders of Cuba, Nicaragua, and Venezuela all agreed that capitalism will destroy the planet. Then they all hopped in their private jets and returned to their huge palaces." --Jay Leno
To help contain the spread of the disease, the U.S. government is trying to discourage Mexicans from coming into the United States, which is pretty much what they have been doing for like the last 40 years. So that plan doesn't work." --Jimmy Kimmel
Re: Wells Fargo Blackberry rules
On Thu, Apr 30, 2009 at 2:45 PM, Nicolas Stoupak <nickstoupak@yahoo.com> wrote:
Too bad Fuld didn't spend every second of his life playing BrickBreaker, Lehman would still be alive and well
--- On Thu, 4/30/09, Kedar Desai <kedar.desai@gmail.com> wrote:
From: Kedar Desai <kedar.desai@gmail.com>
Subject: Wells Fargo Blackberry rules
To:
Date: Thursday, April 30, 2009, 8:31 AM
Among the new rules, and what I view as the most important, is that you aren't allowed to look down at your blackberry during a meeting. If you do look down, you have to write a check for $100 to the charity of the meeting manager's choice. You are allowed a 5 minute productivity break where you are either allowed to check your blackberry, or go to the bathroom. One break per meeting. It is yet to be determined whether or not you are allowed to check your blackberry while going to the bathroom, so long as it fits in the allotted time================When Richard Fuld, chief executive of Lehman Brothers Holdings Inc., couldn't control his addiction, he took drastic measures. In October, he had the game BrickBreaker taken off his BlackBerry."I was playing so much," says Mr. Fuld, who had used it to relax on the plane or in the car. He missed it so much he had it reinstalled, but it's no longer on the main menu. That removes the temptation, he says, "for the most part."
--
Kedar Desai
+44 (0) 789 420 1415
Wells Fargo Blackberry rules
Among the new rules, and what I view as the most important, is that you aren't allowed to look down at your blackberry during a meeting. If you do look down, you have to write a check for $100 to the charity of the meeting manager's choice. You are allowed a 5 minute productivity break where you are either allowed to check your blackberry, or go to the bathroom. One break per meeting. It is yet to be determined whether or not you are allowed to check your blackberry while going to the bathroom, so long as it fits in the allotted time
================
When Richard Fuld, chief executive of Lehman Brothers Holdings Inc., couldn't control his addiction, he took drastic measures. In October, he had the game BrickBreaker taken off his BlackBerry.
"I was playing so much," says Mr. Fuld, who had used it to relax on the plane or in the car. He missed it so much he had it reinstalled, but it's no longer on the main menu. That removes the temptation, he says, "for the most part."
Wednesday, 29 April 2009
Swine flu
What's in a name? Israel has rejected the name 'Swine flu' and is calling it 'Mexico flu'. The US politicians want to avoid the name swine flu and call it H1N1 virus instead. Are they worried people might confuse it with them?
Tuesday, 28 April 2009
Jon Stewart dialogue
Capitalism without bankruptcy is like christianity without hell - hold on, that is actually judaism
Colbert
Colbert: Chavez gifted Obama a leftist history book - and I realize I am being triple redundant there.
Monday, 27 April 2009
Ecstasy of Gold
The best scene in movies (above - though youtube doesn't do justice to what is the most strictly big screen movie of them all).
The music was covered by Metallica (below). I was surprised, guess they finally realized that rock/metal is not their forté, and decided to cover movies. It sounds pretty good though.
Political humor
"They first said they tortured this Khaled Sheikh Mohammed -- and by the way, if there's anyone who deserved it, it was him -- but first they said they did it once. Now it comes out 183 times that they waterboarded this motherf**ker in a month. This comes out to six times in a day. I would think after that, you get used to it. He was showing up at his torture sessions in flip flops and a beach towel, with a Danielle Steele novel. 'Would you like sparkling or flat waterboarding today, sir?'" --Bill Maher
"No, it is fun watching the Republicans trying to defend torture, because they insist that what's wrong with the Democrats on this issue is they don't get what it's like in the 'real world.' And, to prove it, they cite Jack Bauer, a character from a television show." --Bill Maher
"Dick Cheney is all over television defending this. He said yesterday, he would be happy to undergo waterboarding himself, but his heart might rust." --Bill Maher
"Dick Cheney is claiming torture works. And he says it's okay that we do this, because it worked. Yes, it was ugly, but eventually what came out was good. Like Susan Boyle." --Bill Maher
"No, it is fun watching the Republicans trying to defend torture, because they insist that what's wrong with the Democrats on this issue is they don't get what it's like in the 'real world.' And, to prove it, they cite Jack Bauer, a character from a television show." --Bill Maher
"Dick Cheney is all over television defending this. He said yesterday, he would be happy to undergo waterboarding himself, but his heart might rust." --Bill Maher
"Dick Cheney is claiming torture works. And he says it's okay that we do this, because it worked. Yes, it was ugly, but eventually what came out was good. Like Susan Boyle." --Bill Maher
Yesterday was 'Take Your Kid to Work Day.' It used to be 'Take Your Daughter to Work Day,' but political correctness took over. Thanks to the economy, there's a new special day for parents and kids – 'Take Your Child to Where You Used to Work Day.' - Jimmy Kimmel
"Crime is down in New York City. Tomorrow criminals head down to Washington to request a bailout." --David Letterman
"In economic news, ExxonMobil's profit last year was $45 billion. In second place was the company that makes those foreclosure signs." --David Letterman
NYT Editorial on Fak-Ap
If the Indian Army advanced within 60 miles of Islamabad, you can bet Pakistan's army would be fully mobilized and defending the country in pitched battles. Yet when the Taliban got that close to the capital on Friday, pushing into the key district of Buner, Pakistani authorities sent only several hundred poorly equipped and underpaid constabulary forces.
i think all their troops are watching the cricket matches against australia and the IPL
Geithner Could've Been Citi CEO (NYT)
"Mr. Geithner met frequently with Sanford I. Weill, one of Citi's largest individual shareholders and its former chairman, serving on the board of a charity Mr. Weill led. As the bank was entering a financial tailspin, Mr. Weill approached Mr. Geithner about taking over as Citi's chief executive.
But for all his ties to Citi, Mr. Geithner repeatedly missed or overlooked signs that the bank -- along with the rest of the financial system -- was falling apart. When he did spot trouble, analysts say, his responses were too measured, or too late."
Saturday, 25 April 2009
Re: Elections
kind of like Beethoven saying only if you buy tickets to my concert, will I compose the Ninth symphony
On Sat, Apr 25, 2009 at 3:16 PM, Kedar Desai <kedar.desai@gmail.com> wrote:
Anoop Bhat "In an exclusive interview to TOI, the Indian Prime Minister said if voted back to power, he would roll out a 100-day action plan to revive the economy"- what the F is stopping you now, sir?
Elections
Anoop Bhat "In an exclusive interview to TOI, the Indian Prime Minister said if voted back to power, he would roll out a 100-day action plan to revive the economy"- what the F is stopping you now, sir?
Jobs
---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Sandeep Hoshing <sandeephoshing@gmail.com>
http://jobs.efinancialcareers.com/job-4000000000523051.htm/keywordAny=risk/
they forgot to mention some key risks that need to be managed
From: Sandeep Hoshing <sandeephoshing@gmail.com>
http://jobs.efinancialcareers.com/job-4000000000523051.htm/keywordAny=risk/
they forgot to mention some key risks that need to be managed
Friday, 24 April 2009
Thursday, 23 April 2009
political humor
Next month in Toronto, Canada, former President George W. Bush will debate former President Bill Clinton. The question of the debate -- is it worse to lie to your wife or lie to the entire country?" --Jay Leno
"No, this is big. They're billing the debate as 'the corn dog versus the horn dog.'" --Jay Leno
"And former President George W. Bush said today he does not remember seeing any of those torture memos. But to be fair, to Bush, any memo on his desk was torture. "I'm not readin' that." --Jay Leno
During an interview with The New York Post, Rudy Giuliani said that he is against gay marriage. He feels marriage should be between a man, a woman, the other woman, and the other woman he met after that." --Jay Leno
"No, this is big. They're billing the debate as 'the corn dog versus the horn dog.'" --Jay Leno
"And former President George W. Bush said today he does not remember seeing any of those torture memos. But to be fair, to Bush, any memo on his desk was torture. "I'm not readin' that." --Jay Leno
During an interview with The New York Post, Rudy Giuliani said that he is against gay marriage. He feels marriage should be between a man, a woman, the other woman, and the other woman he met after that." --Jay Leno
"Even Eliot Spitzer is all excited about Earth Day. He was on the West Side Highway picking up trash earlier today. I believe her name was Rhonda." --David Letterman
"Happy Earth Day. You know, as a kid, every Earth Day I used to wake up and run down the stairs in my footie pajamas to see what Al Gore brought us. - jimmy Fallon
"Happy Earth Day. You know, as a kid, every Earth Day I used to wake up and run down the stairs in my footie pajamas to see what Al Gore brought us. - jimmy Fallon
Tim Geithner
ASKED after giving a speech on April 22nd whether he regretted taking his new job, Tim Geithner, Barack Obama's treasury secretary, paused for what seemed an eternity. "I…uh…feel deeply privileged," he replied. His audience erupted in laughter.
Wednesday, 22 April 2009
Political humor
Well, here's no surprise, Exxon has earned the top spot in the new 2009 Fortune 500 list. Last year, Exxon took in -- this is an unbelievable number -- $443 billion in revenue, and made a profit of $45 billion. You know, here's my question: why not have Exxon bail out the car companies? I mean, one can't live without the other, right?" --Jay Leno
"They are now holding national elections in India. You know, voting over there lasts a month. They have a month of voting, which seems long for an election. Unless you're from Minnesota. Then it's like nothing." --Jay Leno
"So many newspapers all across the country are going out of business. It's pretty scary, so congratulations to The New York Times this week, which this week won five Pulitzer Prizes. I read about it online on Google News." --Jay Leno
"They are now holding national elections in India. You know, voting over there lasts a month. They have a month of voting, which seems long for an election. Unless you're from Minnesota. Then it's like nothing." --Jay Leno
"So many newspapers all across the country are going out of business. It's pretty scary, so congratulations to The New York Times this week, which this week won five Pulitzer Prizes. I read about it online on Google News." --Jay Leno
Remember those Somali pirates, those crazy guys that are hijacking boats and stuff? They got one of them here in New York City standing trial. And I want to tell you something, this guy thinks he's a pirate. Well, wait until he gets the bill for his New York legal team. Then we'll see who the pirate is. That's what I say." --David Letterman
"But they have the pirate locked up. And today, he met one of his idols, Bernie Madoff." --David Letterman
"But they have the pirate locked up. And today, he met one of his idols, Bernie Madoff." --David Letterman
Tuesday, 21 April 2009
political humor
"Well, as you know, President Obama's been reaching out to Iran, reaching out to Cuba, reaching out to Latin America. The only place he can't seem to be able to reach out to, Texas." --Jay Leno
"Despite Governor Rick Perry talking about how Texas could secede from the Union if it wanted to, 75 per cent of the people who live there want to stay in the United States. Of course they want to stay. I mean, after spending all that time and effort sneaking across the border to get here, why would they want to leave?" --Jay Leno
"Despite Governor Rick Perry talking about how Texas could secede from the Union if it wanted to, 75 per cent of the people who live there want to stay in the United States. Of course they want to stay. I mean, after spending all that time and effort sneaking across the border to get here, why would they want to leave?" --Jay Leno
"Well, as you know, President Obama's been reaching out to Iran, reaching out to Cuba, reaching out to Latin America. The only place he can't seem to be able to reach out to, Texas." --Jay Leno
"Despite Governor Rick Perry talking about how Texas could secede from the Union if it wanted to, 75 per cent of the people who live there want to stay in the United States. Of course they want to stay. I mean, after spending all that time and effort sneaking across the border to get here, why would they want to leave?" --Jay Leno
"Despite Governor Rick Perry talking about how Texas could secede from the Union if it wanted to, 75 per cent of the people who live there want to stay in the United States. Of course they want to stay. I mean, after spending all that time and effort sneaking across the border to get here, why would they want to leave?" --Jay Leno
What exactly is Tim Geithner
Well, he's not a banker.
"I'm a lawyer and you're a banker," Silvers said at one point during a disagreement over the way the public's exposure to risk was being presented in a chart.Geithner interrupted: "I've always been in public service," he said. Silvers went on, "But you were a banker."
"I've never been a banker," Geithner said.
He's not a lawyer.
I'm not an attorney, Congressman, so it would be hard for me to say.
He's not a regulator.
Ron Paul: "Well...any way. Any time a regulator comes in and says you're guilty of something Why doesn't the government have to prove he's guilty? Why can't we assume..."Geithner: "Is that a criminal violation... or?"
Ron Paul: "Civil or criminal. Why not? I mean that's a principle that's been around for more than 1000 years, at least 800 years."
Geithner: "I'm not a regulator nor a lawyer unfortunately, so I'm not sure I can give you an adequate answer to that, but I'd be happy to think about it a little bit and get back to you.
So what the hell is he?
http://dealbreaker.com/2009/04/what-exactly-is-tim-geithner.php
Spitzer
ELIOT Spitzer might want to read movie reviews more carefully. The disgraced governor and former Client No. 9 took one of his daughters to see "State of Play" last Friday at 7 p.m. at the AMC Loews 72nd Street East -- maybe not realizing the film stars Russell Crowe as a reporter and Ben Affleck as a congressman caught having an affair with an attractive young woman. "[Affleck] actually holds a press conference standing there with his wife -- just like Spitzer," said one audience member.
Monday, 20 April 2009
political humor
Texas Governor Rick Perry said the state of Texas could secede from the Union if it wanted to. Is that what we need, another foreign country on our southern border speaking a language we don't understand? Come on!" --Jay Leno
"Former President Bush wasted no time responding to this. He said, 'Wow, does that mean I get to be president again?'" --Jay Leno
"President Obama is visiting Mexico this week, where he's talking to President Calderon about poverty, drugs and violence. When he's done with that, he plans on talking about the problems in Mexico, too." --Jay Leno
"Secretary of State Hillary Clinton says the United States is now ready to talk to Cuba. You know what that means? Apparently, we are already interviewing replacements for Texas." --Jay Leno
"Former President Bush wasted no time responding to this. He said, 'Wow, does that mean I get to be president again?'" --Jay Leno
"President Obama is visiting Mexico this week, where he's talking to President Calderon about poverty, drugs and violence. When he's done with that, he plans on talking about the problems in Mexico, too." --Jay Leno
"Secretary of State Hillary Clinton says the United States is now ready to talk to Cuba. You know what that means? Apparently, we are already interviewing replacements for Texas." --Jay Leno
A 13-year-old boy in Peoria, Illinois, has been arrested and accused of robbing a bank. Well, the kid is obviously young and naive. He still thinks banks have money. You know how he got caught? ... He was Twittering 'I'm currently robbing a bank.'" --Jay Leno
Friday, 17 April 2009
political humor
"Do you know about this? Texas Gov. Rick Perry fired up an anti-tax tea party this week by saying that Texas has the right to secede from the Union if it wants to. And former President Bush, who now lives in Texas, is of course against the idea. Bush said if Texas leaves the Union, they'll be a foreign country, 'like Alaska and Hawaii.'" --Jay Leno
"But on the plus side, if Texas did secede from the Union, we could then invade them for the oil." --Jay Leno
"But on the plus side, if Texas did secede from the Union, we could then invade them for the oil." --Jay Leno
"Newsweek magazine reports that the reason there are so many of these pirate hijackings is that the shipping companies have decided it's cheaper just to pay a ransom than to change the shipping route to sail out of the pirates' way. So even though these are evil crooks, we give them the money anyway. It's the same way the bank bailout works." --Jay Leno
"And New York Governor David Paterson announced that he will support legalizing gay marriage in New York. Well, you can understand why New York politicians are for this. Let's look at the problems. I mean, David Paterson and his affair, Eliot Spitzer with the hookers, Hillary and Bill. Straight marriages obviously don't work in New York. - Jay Leno
"George W. Bush has reportedly landed a $7 million book deal. The book will be about his years as president and is tentatively called 'Decision Point,' because every time Bush had to make a decision, he would point to Cheney." --Jay Leno
"To pay off her campaign debt, Hillary Clinton is auctioning off a day with Bill Clinton. She is. Bill says he's thrilled to do it, as long as Hillary isn't allowed to enter the auction." --Jimmy Fallon
political humor
"A lot of protests today. Thousands of people had these tea parties, during which they protested higher taxes. But here in LA, it was called the Green Herbal Double Decaf Tea Party." --Jay Leno
"According to MSNBC, there's a big problem with identity theft affecting electronic tax filing. People are stealing other people's identities, filing taxes in their name, and then getting their refund check. Today, half the Obama administration said, 'That's what happened to us!'" --Jay Leno
"President Obama should get a big refund this year because he has a lot of dependents. AIG, Citibank, Morgan Stanley -- all dependents." --Jay Leno
"According to MSNBC, there's a big problem with identity theft affecting electronic tax filing. People are stealing other people's identities, filing taxes in their name, and then getting their refund check. Today, half the Obama administration said, 'That's what happened to us!'" --Jay Leno
"President Obama should get a big refund this year because he has a lot of dependents. AIG, Citibank, Morgan Stanley -- all dependents." --Jay Leno
And, according to the U.S. Labor Department, because of the recession, the number of unemployed lawyers in this country has hit a ten-year high. So, see, there is a silver lining in all of this." --Jay Leno
Thursday, 16 April 2009
Tea Party humor
http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2009/04/16/cable-anchors-guests-use-tea-parties-platform-frat-house-humor/
Cable Anchors, Guests Use Tea Parties as Platform for Frat House Humor
Cable anchors and guests covered the anti-tax tea party protests by cracking a litany of barely concealed sexual references.
OPLE WHO READ THIS...
For thousands of Americans, Tax Day was a moment to protest what they see as bloated budgets and a pile of debt being passed on to their children.
For CNN, MSNBC and other media outlets, it was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to use the word "teabagging" in a sentence.
Teabagging, for those who don't live in a frat house, refers to a sexual act involving part of the male genitalia and a second person's face or mouth.
So when the anti-tax "tea party" protests were held Wednesday across the country, cable anchors and guests -- who for weeks had all but ignored the story -- covered the protests by cracking a litany of barely concealed sexual references.
CNN anchor Anderson Cooper interspersed "teabagging" references with analyst David Gergen's more staid commentary on how Republicans are still "searching for their voice."
"It's hard to talk when you're teabagging," Cooper explained. Gergen laughed, but Cooper kept a straight face.
MSNBC's David Shuster weaved a tapestry of "Animal House" humor Monday as he filled in for Countdown host Keith Olbermann.
The protests, he explained, amount to "Teabagging day for the right wing and they are going nuts for it."
He described the parties as simultaneously "full-throated" and "toothless," and continued: "They want to give President Obama a strong tongue-lashing and lick government spending." Shuster also noted how the protesters "whipped out" the demonstrations this past weekend.
Tea Party participants were not amused. The events were held in dozens of cities across the country, and while some demonstrators were criticized for wielding off-topic and sometimes insensitive protest signs, most took to the streets to speak out against government spending.
Brent Bozell, president of the conservative Media Research Center, said the media coverage was "insulting," reacting specifically to CNN reporter Susan Roesgen's combative interviews with Illinois demonstrators in which she declared that the protests were "anti-CNN" and supported by FOX News. She left the teabagging jokes to her colleagues, though.
"I've never seen anything like it," Bozell said. "The oral sex jokes on (CNN) and particularly MSNBC on teabagging ... they had them by the dozens. That's how insulting they were toward people who believe they're being taxed too highly."
Max Pappas, public policy vice president at FreedomWorks -- a small-government group which promoted the tea parties -- said it's a "shame" media outlets cracked jokes at a genuine "grassroots uprising."
"I think what that reveals is how worried they are that this might actually be something serious. You make fun of things you're afraid of, I'd say," Pappas said.
If anyone thinks the orally charged remarks on mainstream cable were just a coincidence, MSNBC's Rachel Maddow's segments over the past week with guest, Air America's Ana Marie Cox, would dissolve all doubt. Their on-air gymnastics, dancing around the double entendre of the week, looked like live-action Beavis and Butthead.
By one count, the two of them used the word "teabag" more than 50 times on one show. And on Monday, Cox even let the viewers in on their joke -- referencing Urbandictionary.com, a site which offers a number of colorful definitions for the term "teabagging."
"Well, there is a lot of love in teabagging," Cox said. "It is curious, though, as you point out, they do not use the verb 'teabag.' It might be because they're less enthusiastic about teabagging than some of the more corporate conservatives who seem to have taken to it quite easily."
Jenny Beth Martin, a Republican activist who helped organize one protest in Atlanta, said she's not too worried about the protests being dismissed by some media outlets. She estimated 750,000 people attended more than 800 protests in all 50 states, and that at the very least the local media and community newspapers documented it.
"Our message definitely got out where it needed to get," she said.
Wednesday, 15 April 2009
political humor
"Well, you know, Defense Secretary Robert Gates said the Somali pirates were all 'untrained teenagers with heavy weapons,' or as we call them in this country, rap stars." --Jay Leno
"There was some nice news this week. The Obamas got a new dog. It's a Portuguese water dog named Bo. Now, don't confuse that with what Dick Cheney had. That was a waterboarding dog. That was totally different." --Jay Leno
"How about that Obama dog? They got a new dog. Yeah, a little Portuguese water dog. And the dog, as you would expect, is not house broken yet. In fact, earlier today, he left a bigger mess in the Oval Office than Bush did." --David Letterman
"I saw this today. President Obama gave a major speech on the economy and, once again, he promised Americans change, specifically pennies, nickels, dimes, and stuff like that." --Jimmy Fallon
"General Motors is recalling 1.5 million vehicles, because they say the engines could catch on fire. Well, luckily, no one bought any of them." --Jimmy Fallon
"A new report shows that a bag of heroin can be cheaper than a six-pack of beer. That's really good news and bad news for Amy Winehouse." --Jimmy Fallon
"General Motors is recalling 1.5 million vehicles, because they say the engines could catch on fire. Well, luckily, no one bought any of them." --Jimmy Fallon
"A new report shows that a bag of heroin can be cheaper than a six-pack of beer. That's really good news and bad news for Amy Winehouse." --Jimmy Fallon
American mafia
Makes for interesting reading on Wikipedia. The Godfather and the horse's head is so realistic.
Symbolism in murders
There are many symbolic deeds done during certain gangland executions that are requested by the don.
- For allowing Joseph Pistone into the Bonanno crime family caporegime Dominick Napolitano had his hands severed. Later during the attempted murder of Joseph Ianuzzi this is what Tommy Agro attempted to do.
- As in the murder of Lucchese crime family soldier Bruno Facciolo, a dead canary was stuffed inside his mouth after he was shot to death.
- A mobster who was thought to be skimming from gambling profits was shot dead and found with a twenty-dollar bill shoved into his rectum.
- An associate gave a powerful capo in the Colombo crime family the middle finger and although his life was spared, his middle fingers were severed by a dull knife and sent to him preserved in vinegar in a hollowed out monkey's head.
Tuesday, 14 April 2009
political humor
You know, it's interesting, I tell you. We were off last week. And I have to admit when I first heard that a pirate in Africa had grabbed someone hostage, I thought, 'Boy, Madonna is really committed to that adoption.'" --Jay Leno
"Anyway, U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder tried to put all this in perspective. He said this is the first act of piracy against the United States literally 'in hundreds of years.' Well, if you don't count AIG, of course." --Jay Leno
"Speaking of that, the New York Post says that Bernard Madoff's wife, Ruth Madoff, may go back to using her maiden name. But I don't know if that's going to work because her maiden name is bin Laden." --Jay Leno
"President Barack Obama got quite a reception when he was in Europe last week. Did you see while he was visiting Germany, the crowd started chanting, 'Yes, we can! Yes, we can!' Pretty amazing, a bunch of Germans chanting, 'Yes, we can.' That has got to make theFrench a little nervous, huh?" --Jay Leno
"Of course, the big story is that the Obamas got their new puppy! How about that, huh? On Fox News, they declared that the dog is a Muslim socialist." --Jay Leno
"Speaking of that, the New York Post says that Bernard Madoff's wife, Ruth Madoff, may go back to using her maiden name. But I don't know if that's going to work because her maiden name is bin Laden." --Jay Leno
"President Barack Obama got quite a reception when he was in Europe last week. Did you see while he was visiting Germany, the crowd started chanting, 'Yes, we can! Yes, we can!' Pretty amazing, a bunch of Germans chanting, 'Yes, we can.' That has got to make theFrench a little nervous, huh?" --Jay Leno
"Of course, the big story is that the Obamas got their new puppy! How about that, huh? On Fox News, they declared that the dog is a Muslim socialist." --Jay Leno
"Of course, the hardest thing these days about paper-training a puppy is finding a newspaper that's still in business." --Jay Leno
"Barack Obama's daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking for the economy. That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White House, it'll be cleaned up by future generations." --Jay Leno
"Actually, this has become a first family tradition. All the first families have had a dog. The Obamas have Bo, that's the name of the dog. The Bushes had Barney. The Clintons, of course, had Bill." --Jay Leno
"This Wednesday, April 15th, taxes are due, but people who work for President Obama are busy doing their taxes for 1998, '99, 2000." --Jay Leno
"Barack Obama's daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking for the economy. That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White House, it'll be cleaned up by future generations." --Jay Leno
"Actually, this has become a first family tradition. All the first families have had a dog. The Obamas have Bo, that's the name of the dog. The Bushes had Barney. The Clintons, of course, had Bill." --Jay Leno
"This Wednesday, April 15th, taxes are due, but people who work for President Obama are busy doing their taxes for 1998, '99, 2000." --Jay Leno
Sunday, 12 April 2009
Thursday, 9 April 2009
Wednesday, 8 April 2009
Re: Jon Stewart on N. Korea's missile
Harshad Pandit replied:
"This is a little frightening. The White House says North Korea has missiles with the capability ... of being launched in North Korea and landing on the west coast of the United States. ... I was thinking about this and was like, 'Oh hell, that's Leno's problem.'" --David Letterman
On Tue, Apr 7, 2009 at 11:41 PM, Kedar Desai <kedar.desai@gmail.com> wrote:
http://www.indecisionforever.com/video/index.jhtml?videoId=222799
--
Kedar Desai
+44 (0) 789 420 1415
Political humor
"Here's some good news. Bernard Madoff, the sleaze-ball guy in that $50 billion Ponzi scheme thing, is going to plead guilty. But Madoff's lawyer is trying to get all the charges dropped by arguing that Madoff is no longer a threat to society because there aren't any rich people anymore." --Jay Leno
"And there was a big rally on Wall Street yesterday after Citigroup reported a profit for the first two months of the year. That just goes to show you what determination, hard work, and 45 billion of our bailout dollars can do." --Jay Leno
"Here's a sign of the times are a-changin. The governor of Virginia has signed a new law banning smoking in bars and restaurants. In Virginia. See, that's significant because Virginia is, like, the tobacco state. That would be like the governor of California banning breast implants." --Jay Leno
"And there was a big rally on Wall Street yesterday after Citigroup reported a profit for the first two months of the year. That just goes to show you what determination, hard work, and 45 billion of our bailout dollars can do." --Jay Leno
"Here's a sign of the times are a-changin. The governor of Virginia has signed a new law banning smoking in bars and restaurants. In Virginia. See, that's significant because Virginia is, like, the tobacco state. That would be like the governor of California banning breast implants." --Jay Leno
Tuesday, 7 April 2009
political humor
"Conservatives aren't happy with Obama because he basically fired the CEO of General Motors, and they said he's interfering with private industry's ability to run our country into the ground." --Bill Maher
"President Obama and the First Lady met with Queen Elizabeth and the royal family at Buckingham Palace. Actually, you know why they did that? This is all part of Obama's campaign to reach out to those people without any real jobs." --Jay Leno
"A lot of Americans don't understand the role of the queen. The queen is merely a figurehead. She wields no real political power. Or, as we call it in this country, the vice president." --Jay Leno
"A lot of Americans don't understand the role of the queen. The queen is merely a figurehead. She wields no real political power. Or, as we call it in this country, the vice president." --Jay Leno
"The economy is horrible, isn't it? Just horrible. Every day there are little reminders that jump right in your face and remind you how bad the economy is. This morning, I wake up, I go downstairs. The Starbucks that was in my living room has closed. I go to Barnes and Noble, every book on sale in Barnes and Noble begins on Chapter 11. My retirement fund has lost so much value, it's now a 401K-Mart." --David Letterman
"People in England are lining up by the thousands to see President Obama, because this is really different for them. They've never seen someone like him — a 47-year-old man with a full set of perfect teeth." --Jay Leno
"And the press is going crazy over First Lady Michelle Obama. They say she is the reason for the sleeveless fashion trend that is sweeping Europe. But President Bush spoke about this today. He said he is appalled by it. He said, 'Sleeveless? How does she wipe her nose?'" --Jay Leno
"And the press is going crazy over First Lady Michelle Obama. They say she is the reason for the sleeveless fashion trend that is sweeping Europe. But President Bush spoke about this today. He said he is appalled by it. He said, 'Sleeveless? How does she wipe her nose?'" --Jay Leno
At the big G-20 summit, President Obama met with the Chinese president, and they had the traditional exchanging of gifts. The Chinese do that. They exchange gifts. President Hu Jintao gave President Obama a gift made in China, and President Obama gave Hu a gift from America made in China." --Jay Leno
"And things are not going well with this auto bailout. President Obama called from England today to check on the status of it. You know Joe Biden has not sold a single car? Not one car since this whole thing started." --Jay Leno
"And things are not going well with this auto bailout. President Obama called from England today to check on the status of it. You know Joe Biden has not sold a single car? Not one car since this whole thing started." --Jay Leno
"And the U.S. government has launched a Web site to help people deal emotionally with this economic crisis. The site is for people who experience depression, crying, and anxiety. In fact, the first person to log on the Web site was Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner." --Jay Leno
Monday, 6 April 2009
Sunday, 5 April 2009
bushism from Religulous
George W. Bush:
I believe that God wants everybody to be free. That's what I believe. And that's uh, been part of my... foreign policy.
50 worst artists
This is hilarious - some of the writeups are really funny, and the quiz below. Glad to see Emerson Lake Palmer, Michael Bolton, and Kenny G in the top 5.
Everything bad about the '60s, in one easy-to-avoid package
Legend has it that this Los Angeles acid-rock quintet had consumed such massive amounts of marijuana during the 1968 sessions for "In the Garden of Eden" that keyboardist-singer Doug Ingle could only mumble the title. Hence, "In-a-Gadda-da-Vida" was born
49 TOAD THE WET SPROCKET
Very poor name. Even poorer band
"We were together longer than we ever thought we'd be," said Toad the Wet Sprocket singer Glenn Phillips when the band gave up in 1998. Longer than the rest of us had hoped, too.
Very poor name. Even poorer band
"We were together longer than we ever thought we'd be," said Toad the Wet Sprocket singer Glenn Phillips when the band gave up in 1998. Longer than the rest of us had hoped, too.
41 WHITESNAKE
Dumb and dumberer
Led by ex–Deep Purple frontman David Coverdale, Whitesnake's '80s success with their karaoke Led Zeppelin routine can be explained only by the public's enduring love for the double entendre, as exemplified on such songs as "Slide It In," "Slow Poke Music" and "Spit It Out."
Dumb and dumberer
Led by ex–Deep Purple frontman David Coverdale, Whitesnake's '80s success with their karaoke Led Zeppelin routine can be explained only by the public's enduring love for the double entendre, as exemplified on such songs as "Slide It In," "Slow Poke Music" and "Spit It Out."
37 THE DOORS
He was the Lizard King. No, really…
While in college, many young men still choose to immerse themselves in such ill-advised subjects as Nietzsche, black magic and Native American folklore. Most get over it; Jim Morrison, unfortunately, inflicted his terminally adolescent views on the wider world. The consequences included overblown screeds of nonsense such as "The End" and "The Crystal Ship," plus, effectively, the invention of goth. Then he got fat and died.
Appalling fact Morrison is widely believed to have suffered his fatal heart attack while masturbating in the bathtub.
He was the Lizard King. No, really…
While in college, many young men still choose to immerse themselves in such ill-advised subjects as Nietzsche, black magic and Native American folklore. Most get over it; Jim Morrison, unfortunately, inflicted his terminally adolescent views on the wider world. The consequences included overblown screeds of nonsense such as "The End" and "The Crystal Ship," plus, effectively, the invention of goth. Then he got fat and died.
Appalling fact Morrison is widely believed to have suffered his fatal heart attack while masturbating in the bathtub.
26 CÉLINE DION
One more reason to hate the French?
Seemingly hellbent from birth on proving that Michael Bolton isn't the cheesiest balladeer on the face of the planet, the French-Canadian singer first secured a manager at age 12 — creepily, she later married him. But far more terrifying is her endless string of shrieking über-hits, particularly the Titanic theme, "My Heart Will Go On" — which, if it had been played on the ship itself, would surely have made passengers leap to their doom long before the iceberg did its dastardly deed.
One more reason to hate the French?
Seemingly hellbent from birth on proving that Michael Bolton isn't the cheesiest balladeer on the face of the planet, the French-Canadian singer first secured a manager at age 12 — creepily, she later married him. But far more terrifying is her endless string of shrieking über-hits, particularly the Titanic theme, "My Heart Will Go On" — which, if it had been played on the ship itself, would surely have made passengers leap to their doom long before the iceberg did its dastardly deed.
14 YNGWIE MALMSTEEN
Big on solos, short on songs
With his passion for the music of Deep Purple's Ritchie Blackmore, Swedish guitar show-off Yngwie Malmsteen co-opted his hero's deadpan demeanor, neoclassical solos and frilly cuffs, garnering kudos from '80s bedroom guitar onanists for his playing speed.
Big on solos, short on songs
With his passion for the music of Deep Purple's Ritchie Blackmore, Swedish guitar show-off Yngwie Malmsteen co-opted his hero's deadpan demeanor, neoclassical solos and frilly cuffs, garnering kudos from '80s bedroom guitar onanists for his playing speed.
10 AIR SUPPLY
The sound of eunuchs sobbing
Disproving the theory that lightning never strikes twice in the same place, Air Supply contained not one but two mewling, lovesick softies whose name was Russell. In the early '80s, the Australian duo's gutless ballads — music so remorselessly fey it made Journey sound like Danzig — sent a generation of jilted lovers toppling into depression that was as clinical as the Russells' music. Mercifully, though, by the end of the decade, the pair had cried themselves to sleep.
Appalling fact Determined to ruin the festive season, Air Supply once recorded a Christmas album.
The sound of eunuchs sobbing
Disproving the theory that lightning never strikes twice in the same place, Air Supply contained not one but two mewling, lovesick softies whose name was Russell. In the early '80s, the Australian duo's gutless ballads — music so remorselessly fey it made Journey sound like Danzig — sent a generation of jilted lovers toppling into depression that was as clinical as the Russells' music. Mercifully, though, by the end of the decade, the pair had cried themselves to sleep.
Appalling fact Determined to ruin the festive season, Air Supply once recorded a Christmas album.
ARE YOU IN THE WORST BAND IN THE WORLD?
Take this simple multiple-choice quiz and save yourself some embarrassment!
1 How long is your drummer's solo?
a) He doesn't get one.
b) A couple minutes is all, and it's very funky.
c) Which of our drummers are you talking about?
2 What is the secret of your success?
a) Inspiration.
b) Perspiration.
c) Butchering old soul classics in a manner beloved by middle-aged housewives and the mentally unwell.
3 How many times has your band's lineup changed?
a) Never happened, dude. If anyone left, it just wouldn't be the same.
b) A few. It's so hard to find a good accordionist.
c) 1,179.
4 The name of your band is…
a) A favorite phrase from a William S. Burroughs novel.
b) An action verb, followed by an even number.
c) Indistinguishable from that of an accounting firm.
5 What is your favorite subject matter for lyrics?
a) The pain of loving.
b) The joy of drinking.
c) Dragons. Or dungeons. But mostly dragons.
IF YOU ANSWERED…
Mostly a): Congratulations! You're in a good band.
Mostly b): Commiserations! You're in a not-very-good band.
Mostly c): What's that sucking sound? Oh, it's you.
Take this simple multiple-choice quiz and save yourself some embarrassment!
1 How long is your drummer's solo?
a) He doesn't get one.
b) A couple minutes is all, and it's very funky.
c) Which of our drummers are you talking about?
2 What is the secret of your success?
a) Inspiration.
b) Perspiration.
c) Butchering old soul classics in a manner beloved by middle-aged housewives and the mentally unwell.
3 How many times has your band's lineup changed?
a) Never happened, dude. If anyone left, it just wouldn't be the same.
b) A few. It's so hard to find a good accordionist.
c) 1,179.
4 The name of your band is…
a) A favorite phrase from a William S. Burroughs novel.
b) An action verb, followed by an even number.
c) Indistinguishable from that of an accounting firm.
5 What is your favorite subject matter for lyrics?
a) The pain of loving.
b) The joy of drinking.
c) Dragons. Or dungeons. But mostly dragons.
IF YOU ANSWERED…
Mostly a): Congratulations! You're in a good band.
Mostly b): Commiserations! You're in a not-very-good band.
Mostly c): What's that sucking sound? Oh, it's you.
Saturday, 4 April 2009
Religulous
Bill Maher's Religulous is hilarious, laughed and clapped in the cinema all the way.
He starts off saying he had a jewish mum and a catholic dad, and was bought up the catholic way, but had a jew in him, so he went to confession with a lawyer.
Friday, 3 April 2009
Obama teases indian reporter
really smooth - he is hilarious
Thursday, 2 April 2009
political humor
"Barack Obama made his first trip as president to England. Here is my question. If the President is in England, who's running General Motors?" --Jay Leno
"And more embarrassment for the President. Just a few weeks after President Obama named Kansas Gov. Kathleen Sebelius as his Health and Human Services nominee, she now reveals she owes over $7,000 in back taxes. Another one owes. See, that's the difference between the two political parties right there. Republicans believe in no new taxes. Democrats believe in no old ones." --Jay Leno
"Hey, you hear about this? A voice from the past, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, who may run for president in 2012, that's the rumor, has converted to Catholicism. So after a number of affairs, two divorces, and three marriages, how would you like to get stuck behind him for that first confession, huh?" --Jay Leno
"Let's see what's going on in Washington, or as they're now calling it, 'Survivor: Detroit!'" --Jay Leno
You know what's interesting? Today, a reporter in Crawford, Texas, asked former President George Bush how he felt about General Motors and Bush said, 'You know, since I left office, I don't really follow the Iraq war anymore.'" --Jay Leno
"Actually, President Obama says that G.M. filing for bankruptcy may be the best alternative. He said that bankruptcy is a good legal tool for a company not to have to pay creditors back, which sounds great until you realize, hey wait a minute, we're the creditors! Great, so you want to help them not pay us back. I mean, even A.I.G. is going, 'Why didn't we think of this?'" --Jay Leno
"Actually, President Obama says that G.M. filing for bankruptcy may be the best alternative. He said that bankruptcy is a good legal tool for a company not to have to pay creditors back, which sounds great until you realize, hey wait a minute, we're the creditors! Great, so you want to help them not pay us back. I mean, even A.I.G. is going, 'Why didn't we think of this?'" --Jay Leno
Thousands of people showed up in London to protest this G-20 economic summit. Protesters smashed windows at the Bank of Scotland. Did you see it on the news? The banks were closed. The windows were all boarded up. It looked like our banks." --Jay Leno
"A British genealogist who traced President Obama's roots claimed Obama is related to the royal family. Well, did you see President Obama standing with Prince Charles? If those ears are any indication, I think they may be related." --Jay Leno
"And more embarrassment for the President. Just a few weeks after President Obama named Kansas Gov. Kathleen Sebelius as his Health and Human Services nominee, she now reveals she owes over $7,000 in back taxes. Another one owes. See, that's the difference between the two political parties right there. Republicans believe in no new taxes. Democrats believe in no old ones." --Jay Leno
"Hey, you hear about this? A voice from the past, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, who may run for president in 2012, that's the rumor, has converted to Catholicism. So after a number of affairs, two divorces, and three marriages, how would you like to get stuck behind him for that first confession, huh?" --Jay Leno
And China says it wants to replace the U.S. dollar with a new global currency. They want to move from a gold-based standard to a lead-based standard." --Jay Leno
C.E.O., Rick Wagoner, got a $20 million bonus. But the good news is the 20 million was in G.M. stock." --David Letterman
Hey, happy birthday, former Vice President Al Gore, who is 61 years old. And besides being Al Gore's birthday, it is also the 116th anniversary of the invention of the zipper, both of which played a major role in the Clinton Administration." --Jay Leno
"Happy birthday, Al Gore. He turns 61 today. And he ate a giant cake. Then, he remembered it was his birthday, so he ate another giant cake." --Craig Ferguson
"Let's see what's going on in Washington, or as they're now calling it, 'Survivor: Detroit!'" --Jay Leno
"President Obama is giving General Motors 60 days to come up with strategy of viability for the American taxpayers' money. You know what G.M. should have said? 'Hey, you first.'" --Jay Leno
President Obama left for Europe today for a meeting with the major world economic powers known as the G20. Or as they're called now, 'the Chapter 11.'" --Jay Leno
But President Obama - this is going to be big, look for this announcement. President Obama is meeting with the Queen of England. He is going to ask her if she wants America back." --David Letterman
There's a new tax on tobacco - 62 cents a pack. It goes into effect tomorrow. It's the biggest Federal tax hike on cigarettes ever. President Obama is asking all of us to pitch in. He says even if only 10 percent of us smoke only one pack a day, we can cut this deficit in half." --Jimmy Kimmel
According to the government, Rick Wagoner was forced to resign because of poor performance. That's embarrassing. You run an organization that loses billions of dollars and then get fired by a guy who heads up an organization that loses trillions of dollars." --Jay Leno
And listen to this. I guess they're going to, like, be in the car business. President Obama said the United States government will stand by your car's warranty. Assuming, of course, the government is still around in five years." --Jay Leno
Right after the announcement, Wagoner hopped on his private jet and flew to the unemployment office." --David Letterman
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