political humor

"Barack Obama made his first trip as president to England. Here is my question. If the President is in England, who's running General Motors?" --Jay Leno

You know what's interesting? Today, a reporter in Crawford, Texas, asked former President George Bush how he felt about General Motors and Bush said, 'You know, since I left office, I don't really follow the Iraq war anymore.'" --Jay Leno

"Actually, President Obama says that G.M. filing for bankruptcy may be the best alternative. He said that bankruptcy is a good legal tool for a company not to have to pay creditors back, which sounds great until you realize, hey wait a minute, we're the creditors! Great, so you want to help them not pay us back. I mean, even A.I.G. is going, 'Why didn't we think of this?'" --Jay Leno

Thousands of people showed up in London to protest this G-20 economic summit. Protesters smashed windows at the Bank of Scotland. Did you see it on the news? The banks were closed. The windows were all boarded up. It looked like our banks." --Jay Leno

 "A British genealogist who traced President Obama's roots claimed Obama is related to the royal family. Well, did you see President Obama standing with Prince Charles? If those ears are any indication, I think they may be related." --Jay Leno

"And more embarrassment for the President. Just a few weeks after President Obama named Kansas Gov. Kathleen Sebelius as his Health and Human Services nominee, she now reveals she owes over $7,000 in back taxes. Another one owes. See, that's the difference between the two political parties right there. Republicans believe in no new taxes. Democrats believe in no old ones." --Jay Leno

"Hey, you hear about this? A voice from the past, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, who may run for president in 2012, that's the rumor, has converted to Catholicism. So after a number of affairs, two divorces, and three marriages, how would you like to get stuck behind him for that first confession, huh?" --Jay Leno

And China says it wants to replace the U.S. dollar with a new global currency. They want to move from a gold-based standard to a lead-based standard." --Jay Leno

C.E.O., Rick Wagoner, got a $20 million bonus. But the good news is the 20 million was in G.M. stock." --David Letterman

Hey, happy birthday, former Vice President Al Gore, who is 61 years old. And besides being Al Gore's birthday, it is also the 116th anniversary of the invention of the zipper, both of which played a major role in the Clinton Administration." --Jay Leno

"Happy birthday, Al Gore. He turns 61 today. And he ate a giant cake. Then, he remembered it was his birthday, so he ate another giant cake." --Craig Ferguson

"Let's see what's going on in Washington, or as they're now calling it, 'Survivor: Detroit!'" --Jay Leno

"President Obama is giving General Motors 60 days to come up with strategy of viability for the American taxpayers' money. You know what G.M. should have said? 'Hey, you first.'" --Jay Leno

President Obama left for Europe today for a meeting with the major world economic powers known as the G20. Or as they're called now, 'the Chapter 11.'" --Jay Leno

But President Obama - this is going to be big, look for this announcement. President Obama is meeting with the Queen of England. He is going to ask her if she wants America back." --David Letterman

There's a new tax on tobacco - 62 cents a pack. It goes into effect tomorrow. It's the biggest Federal tax hike on cigarettes ever. President Obama is asking all of us to pitch in. He says even if only 10 percent of us smoke only one pack a day, we can cut this deficit in half." --Jimmy Kimmel

According to the government, Rick Wagoner was forced to resign because of poor performance. That's embarrassing. You run an organization that loses billions of dollars and then get fired by a guy who heads up an organization that loses trillions of dollars." --Jay Leno

And listen to this. I guess they're going to, like, be in the car business. President Obama said the United States government will stand by your car's warranty. Assuming, of course, the government is still around in five years." --Jay Leno

Right after the announcement, Wagoner hopped on his private jet and flew to the unemployment office." --David Letterman