political humor

"The former Vice President Dick Cheney is in town, ladies and gentlemen, in New York City. He's here to see all of his favorite shows: 'Phantom', 'Wicked', 'Stomp.'" --David Letterman

"Here's something that I am very excited about. Joe Biden, the current vice president, was yakking away over the weekend. And he -- remember when Dick Cheney was in an undisclosed location and everybody thought: Where? So supposedly top secret information, classified information. And Joe Biden just says, 'No, I know where he was. He was hiding under his house. Joe Biden is living proof that people can give up sensitive information without being tortured.'" --David Letterman

This is part of our new plan. It's called 'Don't Ask, We'll Tell.'" --Jay Leno

Los Angeles will start a water rationing in June, which means Dick Cheney will only be allowed to waterboard guys two days a week now." --Jay Leno

And a Chicago company is now marketing hair products inspired by that idiot Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich. This is real. This is the new product right here. It's called Head & Swindler. Can you read the back? It says, 'lather, rinse, impeach.' It's all right here." --Jay Leno

"Nancy Pelosi now saying the CIA misled her. Misled. Doesn't that sound like the name of some beauty contestant in China? 'Please welcome Mis Led, ladies and gentlemen.' 

"No, actually, Nancy Pelosi said she heard stories of inmates being injected with a deadly toxin that paralyzes the nerves in your face. No, that's her Botox. I'm sorry. You know, I'm so confused." --Jay Leno

"General Motors announced they're closing over a thousand dealerships. A lot of people are blaming GM's new CEO, some guy named Barack Obama." --Jay Leno

"Well, as you know, President Obama spoke at a couple colleges this week. He told the graduates at Arizona State they should not lead their lives like Bernard Madoff. Well, sure, if you're going to steal money and stay out of jail, become an executive at AIG That's how you do it." --Jay Leno

"And at his commencement speech at Notre Dame, President Obama said we should be doing everything we can to prevent unplanned pregnancies, to which John Edwards said, 'Tell me about it.'" --Jay Leno

"Well, this is surprising. A new survey shows that the happiest Americans are elderly, male, and Republican. In other words, Republican." --Jimmy Fallon