political humor

"There are some people who are saying that maybe Dick Cheney is setting himself up to actually run for president. You know, it makes sense. Republicans are looking for fresh blood, and Cheney just had some yesterday." --Bill Maher

"The other day George Bush gave a speech at a graduating high school class. He wondered why they didn't give him an honorary degree, but that's another story. It's interesting, he said he finds not being president liberating. Agreed." --Bill Maher

"He told the kids it's interesting the way life turns out, and now he finds himself walking the dog and picking up poop. Finally, something he can actually find. He couldn't findOsama, he couldn't find the weapons of mass destruction. If only we'd be attacked by dog s**t, we'd be OK." –Bill Maher

"Oh, poor George Bush, picking up after some unthinking creature's mess. Well, now he knows how Obama feels." --Bill Maher

"Nobody knows debt like California. We had a special election, and they rejected all the proposals Gov. Schwarzenegger suggested to save the state from going under. Very bad day for him. He said he has not been this humiliated since the '80s when he took an acting class." --Bill Maher

"We're $26 billion in the hole. I don't want to say it's bad, but today Mexico announced they're building a border fence." --Bill Maher

"There was sort of an unprecedented event this week when Obama was on television giving his version of national security, and then moments later Dick Cheney was on. It was all about Obama vs. Cheney: yes we can vs. go f**k yourself , biracial vs. bicentennial; walks with a spring, craps in a bag." --Bill Maher

"Before she left for China, reporters repeatedly questioned House Speaker Nancy Pelosiabout her claim the CIA lied to her. But Pelosi remained tight-lipped. She also remainedtight-foreheaded and tight-eyelided." --Jay Leno

"In fact, before she left, Pelosi told the press she's not going to have any further comments on this whole controversy about the CIA She says no more talking. She's not going to say another word. Why can't we get this deal for Joe Biden?" --Jay Leno

"North Korea tested a nuclear bomb today. I don't want to say this is a big deal, but it actually knocked 'Jon & Kate Plus 8' right off the front page." --Jay Leno

After a report that he called for shutting down Facebook in his country, the president of Iran, Mahmoud I'manutjob -- is that how you say his name? Ahmadinejad. He's now denying he ordered a ban on Facebook. He said, no, he did not. You know? That shows you the real power in the world is these days. Here's a guy calling for the destruction of Israel, openly supports terrorism, denied the Holocaust, and then he's accused of shutting down Facebook. 'Nuh-uh! No way, not me.'" --Jay Leno

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is in Shanghai to debate climate change with Chinese government officials. I think she'll do fine because these negotiations always come down to whoever blinks first." --Jimmy Fallon