political humor

Today, President Obama and former Vice President Dick Cheney gave speeches on torture. Now, is it me or have we seen more of Dick Cheney in the last week than we did in the past eight years? Anyway, the President spoke out against torture, while Cheney's speech was more of a how-to discussion." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday, during a speech, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi said the CIA misleads us all the time. You know, unlike Congress." --Jay Leno

"Hey, did you know we had another earthquake the other night? You know, California is the only state where you don't know what is going to bounce first, the ground from the earthquake or your check from the state government." --Jay Leno

"I tell you, the economy's in bad shape. Oh, the economy's hurting; economy is so bad, Joe Biden was outside the White House, selling maps to politicians' secret locations." --Jay Leno

"Economy's so bad, I saw an illegal immigrant deport himself. That's how bad it's gotten." --Jay Leno

"Well, here is a shocking statistic. This is shocking. One in four Americans admit to texting while driving. The other three are illegal immigrants who are texting while driving." --Jay Leno

"According to a new poll, Dick Cheney's approval rating is up eight points since leaving office. Wow, I can't believe Cheney's approval rating is eight percent. That's amazing." --Jimmy Fallon

"Michelle Obama's on the cover of Time magazine this week. She says she has dinner with Barack and the kids every night, and then -- oh, it's so cute -- Joe Biden jumps up and tries to lick the plates." --Jimmy Fallon